PSO: From Scooby Snacks to Dark Falz - A Nostalgic Rant

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The Rico Files: I thought it was a NO-SPIN Zone...



I sit here staring at the final Rico messages, examining my notes for this article, fingers hovering over the delete button. Her observations are neat and all, but I already know her fate. There's no real point in looking into her protips when none of them will prepare us for the impending Bunkhouse Brawl with Dark Falz. The only real revelation at this point was her latest translation:


"Light makes darkness, a pair, exists, but it doesn't always exist. Reincarnation goes forever. The rule is here. It should be sealed. MUUT DITTS POUMN."

I'm not even going to pretend I have a clue what 85.7% of that means. Look, I love PSO for its flashy weapons and arcade-y RPG vibes. Unraveling existential philosophy from its story isn't my jam. Kudos to the super fans who do that – I'm sure you're out there. If so, you're a different breed and I hope they feed you plenty Scooby Snacks.


speaking of which: anyone else find it odd they went to the trouble of licencing Scooby Doo's likeness, but won't just put "Scooby Snacks" on the box? Everybody knows you're making people food, Kelloggs/Keebler/anybody else licensed to make these things...

I mean, Shaggy was eating that stuff on the show. Kids know not to nibble on the dog bones at Dollar Tree(At least, I hope they know...😨). No need to be all extra careful about this...super-duper easy bag you've positioned for yourselves.

I'm almost at the point where I'm willing to make custom stickers that straight up say "Scooby Snacks", and slap them on every box I see at the store. Please, don't make me make you more money!

Hey it's almost over... 

GeT yOuR hEaD iN tHe GaMe!

Whoa...What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the game! This final area, though? A pain in the neck, especially online. Constantly telepiping back to the ship for Trimates and Star Atomizers will wear you out. Star Atoms are a cool item that heals you, and anyone standing nearby. It's also a great thing to feed your Mag...Which is something you should be doing throughout this entire adventure. I'm definitely going to wax poetic on the Mags and how useful they are(or aren't in certain conditions) at a later time.

Running around the Ruins offline is brutal without teammates (DC version lacks offline multiplayer, *shakes fist*). I get it, it's not supposed to be a cakewalk... which always sounds counter-intuitive to me. Cake negates walking calories burned, right? The steps needed to get rid of a slice of Red Velvet cake would probably equal a lengthy marathon I'm assuming. Language is weird.

The Ruins of PSO – three mazes designed to wear you down before the Falz encounter. No secret lore about Chaos Sorcerers being fallen heroes trapped in orbs, needing to slay hunters for eternal freedom. No Delsabers being past-life football stars. Dark Belras aren't hug enthusiasts, people! They want you dead! There's nothing interesting about why these creatures are here. Let's restock again and move forward.

Onto the main event: Dark Falz. 

Phase one is Not technically a boss phase since Falz herself doesn't show until later. Think of it as an edgy appetizer. She unleashes the spikiest dratels ever – anime incarnate. This boss fight starts as if Rico is saying "Bayblade...I was right about those stupid pillers...Let it rip!"


For phase two Falz rides in on her... triple phallic wagon? Seriously, how do I describe this thing? H.R. Giger on a bender, designing characters and ordering neon car light strips from eBay. This things bling probably kept PSO from an M rating. It's just really weird looking and you should try your best to kill it before something annoying shoots out of it.


Hey, remember Spin Fighters? Like Bayblades, but without a dedicated cartoon, relying solely on pop culture for sales. I had Power Rangers ones. Pretty neat, ngl. And Red Eyed Rico must have been the ultimate collector, because guess what's back? Evil spinning tops called Darvants, spewed from her three naughty serpents. Surely this is the last Darvant dance, right?

For phase three Falz ditches the anaconda tank treads, replacing it with an exercise ball thorax. Annoying part: random side dashes, duck-and-covers to block your damage, magic attacks you probably lack shields for, and party-wide freeze spells – just for spite. 


As if this ReBoot reject of a corrupt hero wasn't bad enough, bobbing and weaving like a young Mike Tyson, our favorite distractions, the Darvants, make a triumphant return! Round of of disdain, everyone! No, don't be shy, they already know they're unwelcome.

The final phase blasts you onto a celestial ring above the battlefield. Pretty cool view, despite the destruction. Falz floats around the center, living her best bratty rich kid life – tantrum zone activated, player is another broken toy to be deposed of. 


For all my PSO hours, I know only one set pattern about this fight's RNG. First move: glide to a random player, smack them silly with blade arms, repeat for the remaining party members. Besides energy marbles and a few other attacks, she's surprisingly passive in this form. Maybe this is her apology for the Darvant overload in every other phase?

Post fight interview denied.

Winning online lets you revisit the boss room. Rico sits in front of a Washington Monument-esque monolith. You can't question her political policies – which seem to involve government-mandated Darvant farms for every Ragol home. You won't be able to hit her with a Stone Cold Stunner for all the BS she put you through. Get too close, she disappears, joining Rita Repulsa on the moon. I imagine them just cackling up there for hours on end, plotting my future demise with more hair-brained schemes that involve enemies with the ai of Top Man from Mega Man 3.

And that's the end of our little 128 bit adventure. While most of this quest was struggling to find a Rosetta Stone course that worked, the final tale was all about conquering Falz. What a despicable retched thing Falz was; An indecent, Darvant-infested mess, yes, but ultimatelywe stomped a mudhole in that things face!. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a nap and a therapist to unpack the existential baggage of "MUUT DITTS POUMN."

~

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